Side Effects!

Of what? Being a dedicated student… that’s what!

And what happens? You start getting lazier, reaching late for lectures, procrastinating work, give a damn about notes, shabbily done projects and the worst of all, the board exams don’t feel like exams at all. Instead of studying, you are reading Dan Brown books, playing “bat-ball” with your 2-year-old nephew and watching movies back to back from 7pm to 3am on HBO and then go for an exam the next day at 2pm (which scarily go well and you feel like it was the easiest paper ever.)

I don’t think it happens to everyone or anyone for that matter. Maybe it’s just me. But I’ve realized the errors of my ways. Not that I regret them… I am who I am today because of my principles but really… two years of utmost dedication in a course like BMM exhausts the life out of you. And then, nothing affects you. Quite literally. No amount of workload or project deadlines can make you get up from your sleep to finish the work. But strangely enough, on the day of the submission, you have your project ready in hand for submission and you don’t quite understand how and when you finished it. My senior calls it being “BMM-Proof”… I love the term! :D

I sincerely hope the others have it better than me. And by the others I mean, all those who never took FY and SY seriously… they just have to work hard for one year right? Just four months more to go. That makes me all nostalgic and sad… :(

Hmm… I was hoping to write more, but I don’t want to write rubbish.

So, until next time… bye-bye!

Concentration

I’m sitting on my bed, staring at the cursor blink, but I just cannot bring myself to start writing my assignment. Why? Don’t ask me… if I knew, I’d be working on my assignment and not writing this blog entry.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, not that I usually don’t but its different this time. I’m seriously thinking this time… about the future, about life. Without even realizing, 1/4th of my life has already gone by. I’ll be 20 soon. No more a teenager equals to no more a child. I’m expected to suddenly to grow up overnight, start dressing maturely and talk like an adult, like a responsible person… but honestly, that’s not me. I think even at the age of 50 I’d be more comfortable wearing jeans and t-shirt and talking of childish fantasies with my grandkids. I don’t think I’m ever going to fit in the adult world. No wonder the rate of clinically depressed adults have increased. They lose their identity while trying to fit into society.

But that’s beside the point. What I was really thinking of is this – in the next nine months of so I’ll graduate from college. No more early morning lectures, no more late nights preparing for festivals, no more last minute assignments, no more weird professors, no more class politics or gossip… so what next?

Graduate, get a job and face the real world? I don’t think I’m prepared for that. This may sound really lame but I’m honestly scared. I don’t know what to do… how to go about doing things. I wish this life as a student never ended but I know it’s not possible. I may be a dreamer but I can see thing realistically too if I want to. I know I have to look beyond my classroom, and chase my dreams but do I have the courage to do that? Even though I act calm and confident, I’ll admit I’m terrified! I just hope I’m making all the right decisions. I don’t know if I can ever achieve my dream and that is what scares me the most.

Life is so confusing right now. Everything just seems so… huge!

I can’t even keep track of all the things I’ve thought of, all the things people have said. I just, I don’t know… I think I’m only confused and extremely de-moralized right now. I hope to overcome this but really, with this stupid writer’s block since the last two months… I cannot help but doubt myself. Am I really the writer I think I am? Or am I just fooling myself? How hard can it be to come up with a short original story? Really! More than anything I think I’m extremely annoyed with myself right now! Maybe that’s why I’ve been having these thoughts

I thought ranting might help, but it hasn’t this time. So I’ll just go to sleep I suppose. Get up really early and finish my assignment then. I’m supposed to submit this tomorrow, well today seeing that it is 12 midnight already.

So yeah… pretty much a pointless entry. The reason why it’s called ‘concentration’ is because I couldn’t concentrate at all. That may also be the reason of all these disjointed thoughts, jumping from one place to another.

I’ll just get going now… I hope I’ll get inspired soon. Bye-bye

I'm Coming Home

I’m Coming Home



I’m Coming Home


Tell the World I’m Coming Home



I looked to the side. The view from the window was one of just the vast blue oceans till my eyes could see. I wished I could be there, in the water, in the unknown. Being lost was better than- No. No, I will not think about that, not anymore.

A lone tear slid to my cheek. I wiped it away quickly and quietly and gazed outside again. I felt my eyelids going heavy and then, complete darkness.

“Look at this one!”

“But maybe… he isn’t all that- … … -to her”

“Ma’am, please ma’am”

“No”

“Leave her alone! She didn’t –”

“Too much noise (laughter). Quiet everyone!”

“Safe…”

“Another round? (laughter)”

“Seat belt. Ma’am! Wake up Ma’am!”

“YUKI!!!”

“Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am! Ma’am!”

I woke up with a start. The air hostess was tapping me and asking me to put my seat belt since we would be landing in some time.

I looked out of the window again. This time I could see the mountain peaks and the green forests and the city. The huge towers, the flyovers, the cars; all looking so small and tiny; something I could crush with my little thumb. I felt an odd sense of shock running through my body at that thought. I squeezed my eyes shut and pushed those painful thoughts away. My chest constricted in a way that I wanted to scream. But I held back that feeling.

The plane suddenly dipped low and I felt sick in my stomach. I could see the huge runway. The aircraft was losing height. As the land came closer, my uneasiness grew. My heart was beating so fast, I swear I was getting an attack. And that might actually have been a good thing but since I was on a one way trip to penance, death wouldn’t come so easily. It usually doesn’t.

I was so confident last night when I boarded the plane but now that I was so close to home, I didn’t think I could do it anymore.

But Dad said everything was fine, that mom and Takumi and… Lily, all of them were waiting for me to come back. He said Lily didn’t hate me anymore. He said they’d all forgiven me. Still, I couldn’t help but feel weird. And what would I do if I meet any of my old friends? What would I say? Have they forgiven me? Do they even consider me as a friend still? And Tsubasaa…

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. The last few minutes of silence and then, I’ll face whatever awaits me.

“I’m going home” I kept repeating to myself.

Home, it’s a place that makes you feel warm and safe and welcome. Then why was I dreading it?



I’m Coming Home


I’m Coming Home


Tell the World I’m Coming Home


Let the Rain


Wash Away


All the Pain of Yesterday


I Know My Kingdom Awaits


And they’ve Forgiven My Mistakes


I’m Coming Home


I’m Coming Home


Tell the World I’m Coming Home

PS: This was supposed to the begining of a multi-chaptered story... I was inspired by the song and wrote this and went back to it after a few days and I kinda forgot what the whole plot was.. *sweatdrop anime style*
I honestly hope I remember it...
 
Ja!! :-)

The Beach

Have you ever sat on a beach and stared at the endless ocean while the sun was setting? Or watched the sky, changing colours, as the sun rose? Or just observed the little rain drops, falling off the bright green leaves of the little plants?

Eh… what am I saying? Of course you have seen this! And if you haven’t, buddy you’ve missed the most amazing feeling in the world.

Looking at the water, just flowing, and the waves gently hitting you, they bring new hope and dreams in your life. They bring joy and take back with them all your pain and sorrow. They leave you with nothing but contentment and inner peace.

It’s better than meditating, honestly! You don’t even have to make an effort to clear your mind of the all the things you think about 24/7. It just goes away… like it was never there in the first place! It really is amazing. You don’t realize how the time flows and minutes turn into hours.

And the longer you sit there, the more you become one with the nature, the more clearly you can feel the spirit of the universe.

Once you’ve experienced that, you realize that all your worries, the drama, the tears, the scheming, all of that… so useless… so worthless. You wonder why you’ve wasted and literally killed such precious a privilege, Time.

Once lost, never comes back. That’s my old friend dear time for you! Always on the run, never halting.

He never gets a moment to stop and smell the flowers, to hear the birds sing, to wants the trees grow; the poor chap has no fun in life. He sacrifices all of this, makes himself disposable for us and what do we do? Waste it! Never appreciate it! Always crib that there was too little a time.

Heh! Some level of selfish creatures we are… no gratitude at all. Not for time, not for the nature, not for our parents, siblings and friends.

We are all selfish, and I am no different.

But I’ve realized my mistake, and I’m trying to change, make the most of it.

This may sound crazy (on second thought maybe not all that crazy) but whenever you are faced with a problem, life feels like a mess, don’t know what you are doing in life anymore, try the three things I mentioned first, especially watching the ocean and the sky while the sun rises, believe me, you will get a whole new perceptive on things, on life.

Don’t ever stop living.

Life is a gift. The most beautiful one.

Lost

She lay there… still, motionless, numb, but still in pain. She could feel something wet on her right cheek.

Voices. She could hear the low frantic whispers of the people around her.

Heat. She could feel the heat. Yes, it was summer. But this heat was not the ordinary. It was like having a fever, so hot, burning her body and her head throbbing.

Confusion. She could now hear the commotion, the people talking loudly, the honking cars zooming past her, the urgent sirens.

“Pak!” Came a loud noise from somewhere. She assumed something had cracked, but she couldn’t see what.

Smoke. There was too much smoke around her. It was choking her. She tried to open her eyes and see something, anything, but the smoke had blurred her vision.

Cold. The heat was cooling down. She could hear the water being splashed all around the place.

Water. Unconsciously, the water reminded her of David. She was aware that she was getting late. She had to hurry up and pick David from his swimming practice. It she were late again, he would be very upset. She didn’t like seeing her nephew upset. Sure he looked extremely adorable while pouting, but she liked him better when he was smiling. He looked so cute. She loved him a lot. She imagined a picture of David smiling at her. And she too smiled.

“Ahh!” but it hurt to move her mouth even this much. Maybe the cut was deeper than she thought.

Pain. There was so much pain. Her whole body ached. She couldn’t even lift her finger without feeling like a heavy boulder was dropped on her. She felt trapped. But she had to get out of there, to David, somehow. If only she could find a way out of this trap.

“David…” she breathed out, with much pain and difficulty.

That was her last conscious thought as she slipped into the never ending abyss of darkness.


PS: This is something I wrote for a class assignment last year... it's one of my writings that I personally like... not matter what other people thought of it.

Boredom

So that’s your punishment for not getting an internship when you had the chance. You spend your entire summer at home, feeling rotten and useless! And you envy all your friends who are doing SOMETHING productive in life! Besides not having my laptop really sucked! I couldn’t write all those ideas I had then! And when I was actually motivated to write! *sigh*

But come on… I deserved that break okay… working non-stop round the clock for eight months… whew!

I’m really glad for the break. Even though I’m bored for most of the time, there are times when I enjoy too. Like right now, I’m writing… I love this moment. And when I read of just stare at the sky in the night or click weird pictures in the house or my poor attempts to sketch decently; all the boredom seems worth it!

So what do I plan to do now? Hmm… write obviously, now that my laptop’s fixed! (Thanks Superman-ass!)

I have a few ideas, short stories that I want to write. Plus I’ve to work on my portfolio so I need some decently written stories…

I started writing a short story. Wrote the prologue but now I’m wondering where it’s going or is it even going anywhere. If I can’t make it into to full story, I’ll post it here. It’s better than just keeping it in my laptop anyway.

And I suppose I’ll try to draw too.

And yeah… I finally decided… Journalism it is! Don’t ask me why. I don’t know either… I’m just glad I chose something. And it doesn’t make me feel like I’m losing out on something so it’s cool!

Hmm… don’t have much to say… its summer… life is very un-interesting right now.

But results are in three days! I’m excited! I’ll have something to do then!

And college will start soon so no more boredom! And I think the rains are going to come sooner this year… I hope they do!

So… until next time… Ja!

Dream

We have this unspoken rule at home - every night, after dinner all of us sit in my mom and dad’s room for half an hour and discuss things. How was your day, this happened, that happened, my nephew did this today, business talks or just in general... about life.

The other day, were talking about ambitions and my career goals in life and my dad asked me – What do you do to achieve your dream? Your desire?

I had to think for a moment but then I started ranting out stuff that I thought were important to me in the process of achieving my dream. I told dad -

1. Be extremely sure of what you want. See a clear picture in your head of what you want to achieve.



2. Be passionate about it.



3. Be realistic when you dream or desire to achieve something. And be ready to accept whatever you get as an end result.



4. Be ready to accept failure too.



5. Work towards achieving your dream every day, in whatever little ways you can.



6. Enjoy what you are doing. If you dream of being the most famous super model in the world but don’t like smiling for the flashing cameras, it’s not going to work out.



7. Prioritize. Know what is most important for you. Your dream or someone else’s dream for you.



8. Learn to balance life. With a messed up life, you can achieve nothing... much less a dream.



9. Never let criticism bring you down or bother you. If you know you can do it, don’t care about what other say or think about you. It is most important that you are doing what makes you happy.



10. Accept things for how they are and be ready to face challenges.



11. When you eventually achieve your dream, and it doesn’t turn out to be what you imagined, accept that too. Do not crib. You’ve put in so much hard work for it, learn to love it and live with it. Do not ever regret anything in life.

I told my dad all of this and left the room. I had a nine o’clock lecture the next morning so I wanted to get some proper sleep. But as I was about to sleep, I was struck with another thought, another insight.

I rushed back to my dad’s room before I forgot and told him, “Dad, another very important thing in life is that when you dream of something and you don’t achieve that dream, you should never be disheartened or lose hope and faith. You should always get up and try again. And if somewhere down the line you’ve realized that this dream isn’t for you, that you may never be able to achieve it, then its okay. Life doesn’t end then. You should never be afraid of dreaming another dream.”